Late on December 7, 2007
My latest post on this blog brought some reactions. Some of our friends and family did not appreciate the bluntness of it, and the title caught them off guard and actually scared them. To some extent, I apologize for that (I'll explain a bit later). I didn't create this blog as a way to shock, scare or offend anybody. It was meant to be a brutally honest, moment-by-moment, experience-by-experience, factual and emotional "diary" of this journey we have embarked upon.
But this journey has its ups and downs. It's filled with dreams, dreams, and even more dreams. At the same time, there's always the cruelty of our own minds, mixing in fears and negative thoughts with these dreams. What if we were never to reach these awesome dreams we have created?
Having gone through what we have experienced in the last two and a half years, the fears present themselves in every little change or new sensation that L is experiencing. We go into every blood test, every ultrasound, every follow-up, and every phone call with hope of great results, good news and a positive outlook for our unborn children, and for us. But, unfortunately, we prepare for the worst. Because every setback hurts. And it hurst a lot.
So, I will keep on writing down my experiences, my true feelings and emotions, upsetting as they may be. Putting it down in writing is a way for me to get it out in the open. Tell people how I really feel, which can be tough to do "on the spot". Here I can be much more reflected, select the most appropriate words. And the readers can choose whether they want to keep on reading, or to close the page if they don't care to read any more. It may never become reality, but I also created this blog for other fathers-to-be out there (who knows who ends up reading this). There are so many questions and so much uncharted territory when you are going through something like this, so it can be extremely comforting to have someone else's experience to compare your own experiences to. It's strange, but based on the comments I have received on this blog, it seems that only women seem to care about a father's experiences and perspective. I would love to hear what their partners perspective is on the topics I bring up......
Back to the last post. Yes, I chose the title for a reason. Number one, it's just good journalism to create a headline that makes people want to read what you have written. And believe me, if you're reading this blog, and I have your phone number, this will not be the place where you'll get the news first, positive or negative.
Secondly, if you, as a reader, think what you're reading is making your heart beat, your palms sweat, and your eyes water, just know that the impact it has on me is ten times what you are experiencing. Writing this blog, I have laughed out loud, thinking about the great news we have received. I have cried my share of tears for the same reason, and they're the best tears that ever ran down my face. I have also shed tears of frustration, trying to find the right things to say to comfort my beloved wife when the news aren't what we expected.
I know some of you have done it already, but this blog is my invitation to you......to come take a walk in my shoes.
Friday, December 7, 2007
Eriiik......I'm bleeding!!
Way too early on December 7, 2007
Anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that I'm not a morning person. Don't expect me to remember anything that is said to me in bed before 7AM. Just ask my wife. Now, of course, some of you may say "Well, that's going to have to change when the baby/babies arrive". If you're thinking that, go back and read this again and see if you can tell why I'm not too concerned........you're right - IN BED! Get me out of bed, and I'm as awake as can be (I may not be completely happy, but I'm awake).
Well, I think I've set the stage for this morning's events.
It's just after 6AM, and L is up and in the shower, or so I have been told. I'm under the covers, and have almost fallen asleep after waking up when L got out of bed, while Rosco has taken over L's side, only he's on top of the covers (with a blanket covering him of course, that spoiled little brat). For some reason I say to myself: "She's going to come in here and tell me that she's bleeding", and then I fall asleep. All of a sudden I am awaken by L's voice, saying "Eriiiik....I'm bleeding!" How could I have known? So, L comes out of the bathroom, eager to show me the tissue she's holding in her hand. Sure enough, there's blood on it. Damn. Baby B is miscarrying. The phone comes out, and the emergency numbers to the fertility clinic is frantically dialed. L leaves a message with the person on the other end, and she tells us to wait by the phone for a doctor to call us back. L disappears into the bathroom again, while she's asking me what the nurses had said about the color of the blood. "Brown is bad, red is good", I reply, my face still buried in the pillow.
"Erik, you've got to come help me" L says from the bathroom. Having reduced hearing on one ear, I hear something, but not exactly what she's saying, so I reply with a sleepy "Whaaat?". Not the reply for a situation like this. "Can you get in here and help me, PLEASE!! " came back at me in an unmistakable tone. Of course, the tone in it self had me out of bed and in the bathroom before she could finish the sentence.
Alright, I’m not going to go through all the details of this, but L had cleaned up the blood. She was a bit surprise that it had just stopped, and that there was no more. All of a sudden she wasn’t so sure that it was coming from inside of her after all. “Maybe I nicked something with my nail as I was drying myself, coming out of the shower”, she said, kind of as a question to me. I looked, and sure enough. Right at the top of her butt crack, she had made a small cut, either from her nail, or from pulling off a scab or something. Of course I had to pick at it to make sure this was where the blood was coming from, and it was confirmed. I put a little band aid on it, went back to bed, and started to laugh. Eventually, L saw the humor in the whole situation, and started laughing too. And then we waited for the doctor to call……
Anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that I'm not a morning person. Don't expect me to remember anything that is said to me in bed before 7AM. Just ask my wife. Now, of course, some of you may say "Well, that's going to have to change when the baby/babies arrive". If you're thinking that, go back and read this again and see if you can tell why I'm not too concerned........you're right - IN BED! Get me out of bed, and I'm as awake as can be (I may not be completely happy, but I'm awake).
Well, I think I've set the stage for this morning's events.
It's just after 6AM, and L is up and in the shower, or so I have been told. I'm under the covers, and have almost fallen asleep after waking up when L got out of bed, while Rosco has taken over L's side, only he's on top of the covers (with a blanket covering him of course, that spoiled little brat). For some reason I say to myself: "She's going to come in here and tell me that she's bleeding", and then I fall asleep. All of a sudden I am awaken by L's voice, saying "Eriiiik....I'm bleeding!" How could I have known? So, L comes out of the bathroom, eager to show me the tissue she's holding in her hand. Sure enough, there's blood on it. Damn. Baby B is miscarrying. The phone comes out, and the emergency numbers to the fertility clinic is frantically dialed. L leaves a message with the person on the other end, and she tells us to wait by the phone for a doctor to call us back. L disappears into the bathroom again, while she's asking me what the nurses had said about the color of the blood. "Brown is bad, red is good", I reply, my face still buried in the pillow.
"Erik, you've got to come help me" L says from the bathroom. Having reduced hearing on one ear, I hear something, but not exactly what she's saying, so I reply with a sleepy "Whaaat?". Not the reply for a situation like this. "Can you get in here and help me, PLEASE!! " came back at me in an unmistakable tone. Of course, the tone in it self had me out of bed and in the bathroom before she could finish the sentence.
Alright, I’m not going to go through all the details of this, but L had cleaned up the blood. She was a bit surprise that it had just stopped, and that there was no more. All of a sudden she wasn’t so sure that it was coming from inside of her after all. “Maybe I nicked something with my nail as I was drying myself, coming out of the shower”, she said, kind of as a question to me. I looked, and sure enough. Right at the top of her butt crack, she had made a small cut, either from her nail, or from pulling off a scab or something. Of course I had to pick at it to make sure this was where the blood was coming from, and it was confirmed. I put a little band aid on it, went back to bed, and started to laugh. Eventually, L saw the humor in the whole situation, and started laughing too. And then we waited for the doctor to call……
Pepperkakehus
December 6, 2007
"Pepperkakehus" is Norwegian for Ginger Bread House. Ginger Bread cookies were originally made with pepper (I actually still use it), because it could happen that the butter they used had gone bad. The pepper was used to cover this up. In modern Ginger Bread recipes, the pepper is gone. That's today's gastronomical history lesson.
Just about every year I try to incorporate one more of the many Norwegian Christmas traditions that we used to have in my family growing up. This year, I decided to make a Ginger Bread House. Making cookies for Christmas has a long tradition in Norway. In the good old days (when my grandmother was alive and could still remember the recipes), it was almost a requirement that a stay-at-home wife, with any kind of self respect, had to make all the 7 traditional sorts of cookies. Since there are no more stay-at-home wives, this tradition has been greatly watered out with my parents' generation (those self centered baby boomers, I tell you). I have absolutely no aspirations of bringing this tradition back. I never liked half of the 7 sorts any way.
Well, back to my Ginger Bread House. I found a nice cardboard box, cut away the sides, and started drawing walls, roof and chimney pieces. I then cut them out to use as stensils. I had already made the dough (I can give you my recipe if you want me to) a few nights earlier (you'll eventually notice from this blog that I do a lot of things at night), and I had cut out the pieces and baked them on Wednesday night. So, last evening, with the Bears getting their butts kicked by the Redskins in the background on TV, I started the assembly process. I used melted sugar to "glue" the pieces together (including the ones that broke off :)). Here is a picture of the house, assembled.
I used melted sugar to glue all the pieces together (also the ones that broke off :)). It has not been decorated. That's something L and I plan on doing on Saturday evening, as we're putting up and decorating the Christmas tree.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
The first visit to the OB/GYN
December 5, 2007.
We had our first appointment with the OB/GYN yesterday. Everything was pretty much routine, and just to get to know her, and for her to get to know us.
The OB/GYN was also reluctant to write off Baby B at this point. As for Baby A, she felt confident that we were in a very good spot. According to her, once the baby gets as developed as Baby A is, there is about a 98% chance of a successful pregnancy. That was comforting (please see my last post for more insight).
With regards to air travel, the OB/GYN was not ready to give us the green light yet. Since Baby B was as far behind as he/she was on the last ultrasound, she wanted us to wait until we knew more about how the development of both fetuses was going. So, we have to wait until after our ultrasound next Friday, before we plan our Christmas vacation. L's family is about 950 miles away, and we're not driving that twice in one year :).
L's feeling pretty good. She's been having some cramping on her left side, and the OB/GYN nurse seems to think that this could have something to do with Baby C's gestational sack dissolving, or Baby B miscarrying. So far, there has been no bleeding or spotting, which could indicate a miscarriage. It's almost like we're waiting for it every day, but still hoping that it won't happen.
L got great news yesterday. We may not have to do the progesterone in oil shots for more than 10 weeks into the pregnancy. That's 3 weeks shorter than she had expected!!! Yippi! Even though we have become fairly proficient in doing these shots, they're still painful. And we have to make sure we adjust our schedules so that we are home by the time the "shot of the day" is due.
We had our first appointment with the OB/GYN yesterday. Everything was pretty much routine, and just to get to know her, and for her to get to know us.
The OB/GYN was also reluctant to write off Baby B at this point. As for Baby A, she felt confident that we were in a very good spot. According to her, once the baby gets as developed as Baby A is, there is about a 98% chance of a successful pregnancy. That was comforting (please see my last post for more insight).
With regards to air travel, the OB/GYN was not ready to give us the green light yet. Since Baby B was as far behind as he/she was on the last ultrasound, she wanted us to wait until we knew more about how the development of both fetuses was going. So, we have to wait until after our ultrasound next Friday, before we plan our Christmas vacation. L's family is about 950 miles away, and we're not driving that twice in one year :).
L's feeling pretty good. She's been having some cramping on her left side, and the OB/GYN nurse seems to think that this could have something to do with Baby C's gestational sack dissolving, or Baby B miscarrying. So far, there has been no bleeding or spotting, which could indicate a miscarriage. It's almost like we're waiting for it every day, but still hoping that it won't happen.
L got great news yesterday. We may not have to do the progesterone in oil shots for more than 10 weeks into the pregnancy. That's 3 weeks shorter than she had expected!!! Yippi! Even though we have become fairly proficient in doing these shots, they're still painful. And we have to make sure we adjust our schedules so that we are home by the time the "shot of the day" is due.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
The first pictures of Baby A!
Finally, here it is!
The first picture of Baby A!! Unfortunately, one of the nurses at the clinic made a few dots on the picture with a Sharpie. As I have indicated on the image, the white spot at the bottom of the fetus is the brain developing.
It's been a day and a half since we had the ultrasound. The initial "selfish" disappointment has given way to excitement about Baby A, and possibly Baby B. The nurses at the fertility clinic were not willing to give up on Baby B yet, and we're sure not going to do that either, but we are aware that there is a chance it will be a miscarriage. We're going back in for a third ultrasound in another 2 weeks. That should definitely tell us what the final number is.
Tomorrow I'll spend most of the day in the kitchen. The plan is to bake some breads and gingerbread cookies. I want to make a gingerbread house and decorate it, but we'll see how much time I have. I also plan to make some marsipan.
I am putting on a traditional Norwegian Christmas Dinner in a couple of weeks. 21 guests for a sit down dinner. This involves a lot of preparations, and I will probably have to start this coming week with sourcing the raw materials. The preparations will certainly keep me busy for the next couple of weeks.
The first picture of Baby A!! Unfortunately, one of the nurses at the clinic made a few dots on the picture with a Sharpie. As I have indicated on the image, the white spot at the bottom of the fetus is the brain developing.
It's been a day and a half since we had the ultrasound. The initial "selfish" disappointment has given way to excitement about Baby A, and possibly Baby B. The nurses at the fertility clinic were not willing to give up on Baby B yet, and we're sure not going to do that either, but we are aware that there is a chance it will be a miscarriage. We're going back in for a third ultrasound in another 2 weeks. That should definitely tell us what the final number is.
Tomorrow I'll spend most of the day in the kitchen. The plan is to bake some breads and gingerbread cookies. I want to make a gingerbread house and decorate it, but we'll see how much time I have. I also plan to make some marsipan.
I am putting on a traditional Norwegian Christmas Dinner in a couple of weeks. 21 guests for a sit down dinner. This involves a lot of preparations, and I will probably have to start this coming week with sourcing the raw materials. The preparations will certainly keep me busy for the next couple of weeks.
Friday, November 30, 2007
And then there were two.....or one?!?!?
November 30, 2007
Today was another big day. Second ultrasound. We were going to confirm what the first one had shown, and see heartbeats galore. Not so much.... We started freaking out a bit when we couldn't see anything. Surely there had to be something in there. I can't describe the relief when the first gestational sack. Baby "A"! The technician put the sound on, and we could see and hear a strong heartbeat. The heart was flying at what seemed to be about 120 beats/minute. Awesome!!!
But what about the second and third? Baby "B" had become visible larger from a week and half ago, and there was a yolk in the sac, but it was still hard to see anything that resembled the heartbeat we saw on Baby "A". And where did Baby "C" go? Not until the technician did an external ultrasound, could we see the gestational sack. She went back to the internal ultrasound, and through a lot of probing (obviously not to comfortable for L) she finally saw it.
The technician left to present the information to the doctors, and we waiting in the room, in case they needed more pictures. And we waited, and we waited, and we waited a little bit more. "This can't be good", L said. "My thoughts exactly", I replied. Eventually a doctor came back, not the technician. All kinds of alarms went off and flags were risen at that point of course. "So, what's the verdict?".
"Well......., we see one baby with a strong heartbeat and normal growth (obviously talking about Baby "A"). That is good. The third sac is empty. The second baby has a weak and slow heartbeat, and it is very small" the doctor could report. What did weak and slow mean? What should we expect? "You will most likely lose the second one, but one is looking good. That's why you transfer more than one embryo. These things happen".
We walked out of the clinic, not knowing how to feel. We had three, and now we're down to one?!? I know it is extremely selfish to feel disappointed with these news, but we were so convinced that we were having multiples. Having had so many let-downs over the last two years, having more than one was somewhat of a cushion. And now we're down to hoping that Baby "A" (I'm going to have to come up with a better name for him/her, but not yet) will hang on and continue to grow strong. We have not given up on Baby "B" yet. As the nurses told us after the first ultrasound: "One tends to run away from the others, but they eventually catch up". Maybe they're right.
It may sound like I'm in an extremely somber mood right now. That's not the case. We're thrilled to see that one of the babies is developing nicely. Later today, or this evening, I will post a picture from the ultrasound of Baby "A", where you can actually see that the brain is being developed.
I guess I have to change the name of my blog now, huh?
Today was another big day. Second ultrasound. We were going to confirm what the first one had shown, and see heartbeats galore. Not so much.... We started freaking out a bit when we couldn't see anything. Surely there had to be something in there. I can't describe the relief when the first gestational sack. Baby "A"! The technician put the sound on, and we could see and hear a strong heartbeat. The heart was flying at what seemed to be about 120 beats/minute. Awesome!!!
But what about the second and third? Baby "B" had become visible larger from a week and half ago, and there was a yolk in the sac, but it was still hard to see anything that resembled the heartbeat we saw on Baby "A". And where did Baby "C" go? Not until the technician did an external ultrasound, could we see the gestational sack. She went back to the internal ultrasound, and through a lot of probing (obviously not to comfortable for L) she finally saw it.
The technician left to present the information to the doctors, and we waiting in the room, in case they needed more pictures. And we waited, and we waited, and we waited a little bit more. "This can't be good", L said. "My thoughts exactly", I replied. Eventually a doctor came back, not the technician. All kinds of alarms went off and flags were risen at that point of course. "So, what's the verdict?".
"Well......., we see one baby with a strong heartbeat and normal growth (obviously talking about Baby "A"). That is good. The third sac is empty. The second baby has a weak and slow heartbeat, and it is very small" the doctor could report. What did weak and slow mean? What should we expect? "You will most likely lose the second one, but one is looking good. That's why you transfer more than one embryo. These things happen".
We walked out of the clinic, not knowing how to feel. We had three, and now we're down to one?!? I know it is extremely selfish to feel disappointed with these news, but we were so convinced that we were having multiples. Having had so many let-downs over the last two years, having more than one was somewhat of a cushion. And now we're down to hoping that Baby "A" (I'm going to have to come up with a better name for him/her, but not yet) will hang on and continue to grow strong. We have not given up on Baby "B" yet. As the nurses told us after the first ultrasound: "One tends to run away from the others, but they eventually catch up". Maybe they're right.
It may sound like I'm in an extremely somber mood right now. That's not the case. We're thrilled to see that one of the babies is developing nicely. Later today, or this evening, I will post a picture from the ultrasound of Baby "A", where you can actually see that the brain is being developed.
I guess I have to change the name of my blog now, huh?
Monday, November 26, 2007
Is there anybody in there?
November 26, 2007
The work week is here again. Back to the grinding stone. We hope that staying busy will make time pass faster, and before we know it Friday will be here. It can't come soon enough.
L is having some thoughts of doubt creep into her head. "Are there any babies in there at all? What if we lost all three of them? I am not feeling anything specific - is that bad?" All I can do is to try to reason with her (not always that easy): "Since we have not seen any spotting of blood, there shouldn't be any reason to worry" and "You seem to take great comfort in the words and advice of the nurses at the fertility clinic. Why don't you give them a call, of only to chat about the way you feel?"
Sometimes you feel so helpless as a husband in these situations. I don't know what she should be feeling, or experiencing. And it seems that nobody else really knows with any kind of certainty, either. One symptom can be a good sign for some, while it means nothing to somebody else. Right now it seems that the lack of symptoms, such as morning sickness etc., is what's bothering L.
The work week is here again. Back to the grinding stone. We hope that staying busy will make time pass faster, and before we know it Friday will be here. It can't come soon enough.
L is having some thoughts of doubt creep into her head. "Are there any babies in there at all? What if we lost all three of them? I am not feeling anything specific - is that bad?" All I can do is to try to reason with her (not always that easy): "Since we have not seen any spotting of blood, there shouldn't be any reason to worry" and "You seem to take great comfort in the words and advice of the nurses at the fertility clinic. Why don't you give them a call, of only to chat about the way you feel?"
Sometimes you feel so helpless as a husband in these situations. I don't know what she should be feeling, or experiencing. And it seems that nobody else really knows with any kind of certainty, either. One symptom can be a good sign for some, while it means nothing to somebody else. Right now it seems that the lack of symptoms, such as morning sickness etc., is what's bothering L.
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